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Saturday, January 6th, 2007
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6:07 pm
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New Year, New Me.
My new years resolutions are:
- Be more healthy, thats in all aspects (food, health/body, positive thinking etc)
- To reach 7 stone and maintain AND also work out on a regular basis
- To spend more time with family and friends, to be more giving and do things for people who are in need of help.
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| Friday, October 27th, 2006
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10:58 pm - Long rant... (with lots of swearing and mainly ED related)
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Im on a big time downer. Feeling really really shit.
Haven't posted in a while, frankly i haven't been arsed. Busy with Uni, seeing the BF and... more uni.
I ended up eating a fucking stupid amount of calories today and then crying over it. I've been doing so shit lately, like eating loads compared to my usual standards and now im huge. I lietrally want to cut the fat away from myself as harsh as it sounds but its disgusting me and making me depressed. When i don't eat im in control, when i eat im not in control.
Every time my boyfriend touches me i say something about how fat i am and its starting to get to him, i mean i don't blame him at all, aint his fault hes got a freak for a girlfriend but there you go.
I need my control back.
Anyway, Uni is getting more and more hectic... constant work load. I need to get back into my gym routine and work off this fat im just so demotivated at the moment.
I keep having stupid debates with my boyfriend about how most men are complete twats (well they are!) and hes all like "no no some of us are good".. like whatevs. They all want to have their cake and eat it (or someone elses) too. If i didn't love him so much i'd so be a lesbian feminist. I mean men are hot don't get me wrong, but women? But can't beat them. And if you can't beat them... join them.
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| Sunday, October 8th, 2006
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3:00 pm
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I feel like buying copious amount of junk food and having a huge binge-fest. Throw in some old classic movies and some funky tunes and i got me a night in.
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| Friday, September 29th, 2006
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12:56 am
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Shit day today.
Woke up at 5am, woo-fucking-hoo. Could'nt get back to sleep so thought sod it, watched TV in bed.
In uni at 9-2pm, meant to meet my BF at 5pm so i had 3 hours to kill. Got some stuff that he wanted but didn't have time to get (out of the goodness of my heart haha) and then felt really weak and tired 'cause i wasn't eating and ended up fainting in my Uni library... fabulous. Infront of the entire student body, well... lucky i wasn't wearing a skirt. Some poor woman helped me up and everyone was making a fuss of me so managed to ward them off.
The BF ended up being 50 mins late (BLAH) and i was kinda pissed about that 'cause he hadnt even contacted me to let me know, spoke to my friend a lil earlier 'bout the BF's "friend" and watch situation, she said just talk to him. So i did. After dinner of course 'cause once he found out i'd fainted (and to suck up 'bout being late)... well lets say it involved lots of food being forced in my mouth at some expensive restaurant. Yay :::rolls eyes:::
Anyway, i thought id ask him in a civilised manner, i did, but still ended up being a full blown argument... involved lots of tears, running eye-liner, snotty nose oh and chuck in some crazy shouting...
But now it is sorted. Yeah.
I do love him, i know he loves me. Im not going to let some girl get in between us, he asked me if i wanted him to return the watch or not wear it... i said its fine he can wear otherwise its a waste... but what i really meant was let me pound it with a hammer haha. No... he can wear it. Im over it. I just have no idea what to get him for his birthday now, another watch? I just feel silly buying him another though.
Men - birthdays presents, not a good combo.
Hmmmmm.
Going out tomorrow night, i need it. Not been out for ages, become a sad girl who spends all her time having crazy mood swings/emotions and sleeping. Oh and seeing the BF. I really want to buy this vintage dress i saw... so beautiful. I got one 2 weeks ago and it transforms me, think i might wear it out tomorrow with leggings 'cause its a tad bit short for my liking.
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| Tuesday, September 26th, 2006
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11:21 pm
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I didn't eat anything all day, did about 1 and a half of exercise at home then ate 200 calories in one sitting- which has really pissed me off... yeah i have issues.
I've got the day off from Uni tomorrow so i should do something productive,, yup shopping. My student loan came through but got swallowed up by my horrendous overdraft so i have £75 to my name, would've had more but i got a few cosmetics from MAC yesterday and come on make-up is an essential haha.
So i've decided i want to meet this so-called 'friend' of my boyfriends and see how she acts around me with him and the rest of it. I hope shes fugly, or is that just mean? Oh and fat. I swear she better not be thinner than me...
oh and maybe i'll pound the damn watch with a hammer whilst im at it.
I really want to see my boyfriend right now so i know everything is ok but i can't talk to him about it, ARGH.
I am seriously contemplating buying a punching bag of some sort 'cause i really have anger issues, sometimes i wanna just want to let it rip like Nikki from this years Big Brother. God she was funny.
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5:18 pm
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Anyway im kinda upset right now.. basically, theres this girl who is (good) friends with my boyfriend, they are on the same degree course as each other so obviously see each other at university (college for you girls in the US) anyway she is quite friendly with my bf to the point where she in my opinion constantly texts him or chats to him on MSN. Now me being a girl and all, i know what other girls are like and she comes across as all "funny and friendly" you know one of them girls who act all cute and funny "aww your sho shtupid *cue girly giggle" (the types that annoy the shite out of me) and she really leeches on to my bf... and ive got this gut feeling she definately likes him more than a so called friend. Yet my boyfriend, bein a GUY does not get this at all i know he doesn't like her in that way but thats not my problem, the problem is that if she persists then friendship can turn to something else... i know i trust him but its HER that i don't trust.
Anyway the main thing upsetting is that today i was speaking to my boyfriend on the phone and he mentioned how he got watch as a belated bday present and i asked who knowing full well it would probably be from HER and yes, it fucking was. He's been wanting a watch FOR AGES and ive been saving up FOR AGES so i could buy him a really nice one for his birthday next year but now that stupid cow has gone and brought him one! Im so angry, well ive calmed down now but when i found out (after id put the one down) i brust into tears then went on a rampage punching the pillows/walls whatever i could get my hands on. I know its pathetic but im just so upset, i find it hard enough as it is buying something special for his birthdays and for his 22nd i wanted to buy something which he could keep and remember.
I hate the bitch. I utterly loathe her now, before i was ok i could handle it... but now. GRRRRRRRRR. I don't have a clue what she looks like 'cause ive not met her (yet) and im not planning on meeting her but i would like to know what she looks like... well only if shes not pretty *hopes*
=[
anyway i saw my boyfriend yesterday, had a lovely day and then went out for dinner and on the way back (on the bus) i was soo tired i fell asleep on him and when i woke up he was staring at me so i was like "did i dribble on you?" (lol) and he said "no... you just look really beautiful" *smiles* i love him so much
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| Saturday, September 23rd, 2006
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11:24 pm
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Im ill. Sore throat, runny nose, itchy eyes = blah.
Currently sipping on some hot tea waiting for my boyfriend to ring so i can jump into bed and chat to him for hours on end (well till he falls asleep lol) i think were getting engaged next year! =] I just pray it works out 'cause im such a paranoid person and i don't want that to ruin our relationship.
My 'rents and lil brother are going away during christmas holidays so ive got the house to myself (well kinda.. my older bro is here but hes hardly ever home) so im gonna have my bf over to stay, should be fun! When i stayed at his this summer we hardly ever went out haha, i taught him how to cook (lol) and we baiscally chilled, oh and had sex like 5 times a day =]
Starting uni PROPERLY on monday when im in all day from 9-5 so im going to be damn tired by the time im done which means i'll really have to push myself to go to the gym. But im looking forward to it. Been trying to sort out changing shifts at work, the main manager is being a twat about it (he doesn't even know how to do his job anyways!) but the duty manager is being cool. I just hope i can change to the shifts i want what with being in uni most days. Hmmmm.
Ergh. Hope my student loan comes through on monday too, else im fooked. My bank are going to reduce my overdraft on the 29th so i need that money pronto. I had money problems, worries me so much. Ah well, not as bad as last year when i had no job and was in debt!
So ive been contemplating about "the perfect body size" today (well i do have an ED so :P) and i know how guys always say that real girls have curves and a bit of meat on them otherwise what would you grab onto in bed? My boyfriend says this to me... he thinks im perfect as i am. But when i look in the mirror i see someone who is FAT. I want to be thin, skinny even but its like NO! YET celebrities like kate moss, jessica alba, mischa barton are considered to be beautiful and i bet they are underweight for their heights! Its just so frustrating! I KNOW my boyfriend thinks jessica alba is hot, hell even i do but when i say i desire that kind of body its like "no you don't need to lose weight" or "you go to the gym too much"... blah. I just want my boyfriend to think im beautiful and have a hot body too!
Anyways enough about that, moving on... lol this is my plan for the week
Monday: 9-5pm University, 5-7 Studying, 7-9 Gym
Tuesday: (Off Uni) 11.30-2.30 Gym & rest of the day free
Wednesday: 11-5 University, 7-9 Gym
Thursday: 9-5pm University, 7-9 Gym
Friday: (Off Uni) 12.30-8.15pm Work
Saturday: FREE Gym anytime of the day
Sunday: 8.45-1pm Work, 2-4pm Gym
Lets see if i stick to it! Im hoping i'll stick to the gym days but then again it depends on if im going out, seeing my boyfriend, or how tired i am.
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| Friday, September 22nd, 2006
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12:04 am
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So my boyfriend was acting super nice today (after out argument then not speaking for a day) apparently his phone died out on him so he couldnt text/ring me, he stayed over at his friends flat last night and they all went out... i don't know if this is me just being super super paranoid and suspicious but him going out and him acting really nice today just makes me think about how guys only act really really nice to their gf's if they've done something wrong and feel guilty about it.... paranoid much?
Hmmm.
I did talk to him about stuff, and how he can do what he likes, as i trust him and vice versa but if i ever find out about anything then... well hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Haha.
I wore my lovely new vintagey silk dress today (has belt to tighten the waist), my gosh it transformed me. I felt like a princess. Every where i went every single girl has their eyes on my dress, i wore it with 3/4 leggings to dress it down. Would look better if i lost a few pounds...
Don't you just love it when other girls look at you with envy?
Sad i know but hey, ive got to get my kicks some how! lol
i hate food
i love my dress
=]
Ive rang in sick for the past 2 days ive supposed to work but the bastards still cut my wages! Im SUPPOSED to get sick pay like wtf? Not to mention im totalllllllllllly skint anyway.
I can't wait to get stuck into the whole Uni vibe... but i bet after a few week i'll be hating it haha.
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| Wednesday, September 20th, 2006
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9:42 pm
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I went a bit crazy last night.. me and my bf had an argument about the argument we had the other day (rolls eyes) baiscally he was acting like nothing had happened (he walked off on me) and how it was fine for him to walk off and ignore me. I got so so so mad, 'cause he went offline without listening to me and i went crazy. I wanted to scream or throw something but i couldnt 'cause everyone was asleep. Instead i cried my eyes out and had to breathe in and out and bash my pillow abit, i really scare me sometimes haha. I hate it that i get so so low, then in the early morning (im talkin' 4am) he texted me saying "i love you im sorry i hate it when we fight so please forgive me" and yeah i should be glad he did that and i AM but why does he have to make things difficult in the first place? Why can't we have a civilised conversation and sort things out without going into FLIP MODE.
Argh. Sometime he really gets on my tits.
Anyway, went shopping today but didn't buy anything just window shopped (haha) and then went to the cinema with my friend so yeah, not really a productive day but i ate healthily and not much either so im cool. Uni is full of gorgeous skinny girls and it makes my skin crawl ('cause im weird!) but its mainly 'cause of my E.D i just always always always compare myself to other girls *sigh*
I have so many thoughts in my head that i want to get out but i can't seem to make much sense of them.
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| Tuesday, September 19th, 2006
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9:28 pm
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Went to re-enroll at university today, full of freshers looking really eager or terrified haha. We had to be in at 9am so i thought ok cool, i'll go in do what i have to do then be at the gym for 1ish and get a good 2/3 hour work-out when its quiet. But noooooo, the stupid nobs in my faculty thought it'd be wise to call us in at 9am to get "the talk" on second year and then said we'd have to wait till 3.30pm to enrol. PISS TAKE. (Didn't end up going to the gym in the end anyway 'cause it gets bust after 5pm.)
So that called for a shopping trip, and yep i ended up buying stuff from Topshop, so far in 3 days ive spent £170 in Topshop. Im overdrawn by £1481... oh my days. My student loans coming through in a few days... which should be sucked in to balance my O.D and then i'll have £0 left... well £19 to be precise, blah.
Oh well, at least im working part time so getting £70/80 a week in which isnt bad.
Had an argument with my BF yesterday and im kinda ignoring him and bein stubborn till he says sorry or at least says SOMETHING, but all hes doin is texting me with the usual "hope your ok" crap. I need to know if were meeting up tomorrow as planned before the tiff 'cause if we are... then i need to wash my hair tis tad bit greasy but obviously im not gonna ask him, im waiting for him to ask me, soooooo if he doesn't then were not meeting up tomorrow so that means i don't have to wash my hair 'cause i'll be going to the gym instead in the morning and i'll have a full on shower. Ok im babbling now haha.
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| Tuesday, September 12th, 2006
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9:43 pm
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I just finished watching a programme on healthy eating, it was so inspirational and gross at the same time! Really kicked my ass into starting a new healthy eating regime, my plan is to eat a low-fat and high-fibre diet. Im going to avoid eating sugary high fat foods so not processed food, biscuits, cakes etc. Im going to cut out bread as well (i dont eat much of this anyway so thats fine) and any other type of crap.
This is my shopping list:
Quorn products and Tofu
Eggs
Seeds (pumpkin, sunflower and linseed)
Nuts (cashew, brazil nut, pistachio, almond)
Lentils and pulses
Veg + fruit (carrots, lettuce, cabbage, onions, garlic, celery, fennel, sweet potato, mangetout, sprouts, spinach, broccoli, avocado, kiwi's, passion fruit, green apples, greenish banana's melon, prunes (dried) apricots, blueberries)
Soya milk (or maybe goats milk)
Nettle, dandelion and fennel tea
Olive oil
Aloe vera juice
Plain bioyogurt
Weetabix
Chicken (but only when my mother makes it and healthy)
Im going to avoid tomatoes, cows milk and strawberries 'cause apprently there not good for skin (i'll try it for a month and see if it makes any difference) and any tea/coffee 'cause thats a killer.
Supplements:
Omega 3 & 6
Multivitamins
Zinc
Aloe Vera if im not having the juice
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6:00 pm
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Yesterday was lovely. Had a fab day with the BF, we went to the peak district walking, then to a village nearby for cream tea with scones (which i ate but regret now) and enjoyed the weather and scenery. It was beautiful, and my BF made it really special. We haven't had sex in ages (well it seems like that to me!) 'cause i haven't been able to go round to his or vice versa so im reallllllly missing it, and i want to so bad! Lol. I was even contemplating getting a hotel room 'cause damn, otherwise i think im going to go crazy but then its money issues. BLAH. Food wise i had a repulsive day, ate way way way too much and put on about 2 lbs, was planning on fasting but that went down the pan.
Today wasn't so productive, woke up late, chilled about, tried to eat healthily and detox so i steamed my face and made an avocado face mask to pamper myself was nice and my skin loves lovely.
I really want to lose this weight ive put on but after eating so badly (for me) im finding it really hard to control myself, it doesnt help i hardly go to the gym 'cause im so lazy, just waiting for uni to start (5days!) then i'll be back into a routine and raring to go (hopes!).
I want to get back down to atleast 7.5 lbs (my lowest a few months ago) and then hopefully to 7stone- with muscle tone.
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| Saturday, September 9th, 2006
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12:25 am
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Went out for dinner today with my boyfriend. We had a big talk on people (well mainly girls) who have eating disorders... now i knew what his opinion would be on this mainly because he knew i had (note the word HAD) an eating disorder which he thinks im entirely "cleared" of and he made it pretty clear before. Anyways baiscally he was all like "girls who are like 'wow im fat i need to get skinny' and dont eat again (yea like its really THAT simple) are stupid and deserve no sympathy. Ok this got me mad 'cause firstly i do still HAVE an eating disorder and issues with food but i just try to conceal it as much as i can from him 'cause i know he'd start his whole "you better start eating" thing again. BLAH.
I guess im just mad 'cause hes so opinionated and won't even try to understand other peoples opinions or view... i dunno sometimes i really dont like him. I mean i love him n all, course i do. If he wasnt in my life i wouldn't know how to cope. He makes me feel so so happy but yet with the click of a finger he can hurt me like hell.
Weve been talking about our relationship recently as well, and where its going. I mean we have been together for 4 years so i would think hes going SOMEWHERE. I think it kinda freaks him out 'cause were both young and have the rest of our lives ahead of us... whereas me, the romantic, would love to get married and get a place together. *Sigh*
Starting my second year at University soon, only a week left. I am looking forward to is 'cause even though i love holidays after a while it gets boring and i want to do somethin productive in my time! And also 'cause of the routine thing, i have to have a routine otherwise all my plans go haywire soooo as im back i can start my uni, gym, home routine! Of course im also dreading it 'cause of the workload, i am going to have to work my socks off this year and next year so yeah... drumroll!
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| Monday, September 4th, 2006
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2:56 pm
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Really bored today, been on the internet since i woke up and thought i'd start my journal all fresh so deleted all my old entries, baiscally of me rambling on about my ED. Blah.
So not much on the agenda for today, watch tv, surf the net, eat (less as possible) and exercise. I plan on doing rowing machine, step machine, maybe going for a jog and then lots of toning exercises and using my weights. Lets see if i can actually stick to it! I've become so lazy this summer i guess 'cause im not in my routine of going to university, going to the gym then heading back home. Hmmm well i'l be back to that soon enough!
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